6
GAIL's Bakery, Kensington High Street
What three words would you use to describe what troubled you during your adolescence?
Do you mean romantic love?
Yeah, I was a hopeless romantic. And I still am, let's be real.
Were you in any relationships when you were a teenager?
Oh mate, loads. There were jokes about me dating any girl who made eye contact with me. There was this one girl who I fell in love with. It still messes with me, like I'm still in love with her I think. But it isn't real, you know? You're so pumped on hormones at that time in our lives that you get those deep emotions that mess you up forever. You know what I mean?
All emotions are exaggerated when you're a teenager, good and bad.
Yeah, and people say "oh, young love this, young love that." Young love sets up your expectations of every other relationship you're going to have. That's what it does.
Are you saying you don't think you'll ever reach the same level of love you had with this girl with anyone else?
Nah, I've loved people more. But I'll never reach the amount of raw feelings that relationship made me feel. Mainly the lows. Basically mate, I messed up. I'm… oh mate, this is going to go deep. She loved me, but I was obsessed with her. I couldn't handle her talking to other guys, and I wouldn't let her talk to them. It's so… you don't like swear words do you?
I censor them a bit.
(Chuckles) Alright, good luck making this make sense. It was messed up. I was messed up. I regret it, like it messes with me constantly. But I was that guy who went through his girlfriend's texts and would call her to make sure she was where she said she was going to be. And yeah, we were young - I was 17. It's messed up to think I had that in me, you know? Obviously I wouldn't do it again, but… yeah. Heck.
Does it affect your relationships now?
Um... it affects me, but no. I don't talk to that girl anymore but I wonder about whether it affected her more than me. There's this part of me (not sure how realistic it is) that thinks I completely messed her up. The likelihood is she just says 'oh that guy who was a bit controlling when we dated', but I do want to check up on her. For my own sake I mean. Imagine if she has issues trusting people now because of what I used to be like. I'm a selfish twit; I kind of want to know what she's like now to put my mind at ease. That's the honest truth though.
What was the relationship like from an outsider's perspective?
Normal? People knew we were a thing but we were both quiet kids. We kept to ourselves. I remember one time someone saying "you two are perfect for each other," and I remember thinking "nah don't think so mate." It was good, and it's strange to say after all that, but we were good for each other. We knew it wasn't going to be one of those school relationships where they get married and live together happily forever from age 13 to 90 though. I was painfully anxious in school and having a partner who was the same was what I needed at the time. We fed off of each other's anxiety, but there's safety in numbers at school when you're quiet. Life was rough, and... I don't know, I remember feeling safe with her. That's why I was a controlling person at the end of the day.
Do you think if you met for the first time now you'd be friends?
Not a chance. I'm still attracted to people who look like her, that's the spell young love has on you. But I'd hate her now. Quiet people drag me down, because that's what I'm naturally like. Maybe she's changed though, and we'll meet again and fall in love forgetting the fact I was borderline abusive.(Chuckles) Thank goodness this is anonymous.
Why's that?
If I read this I'd hate myself. I didn't have a single positive trait when I was a teenager.
Not many people are proud of who they were when they were 17. It's quite nice to see how honest you are about it.
I hope you do a load more interviews this week so this one gets lost in the pile.
