11
Kat Coffee Company, Chelsea
Confidence, importance, and competitive.
Confidence I guess is about lack of confidence?
Both. Lack of confidence in how I portray myself. I think that’s very natural for people growing up, but I think I knew who I wanted to be. I always wanted to wear the sort of clothes I wear now, but when you’re a 14 year old you can’t really wear this sort of thing and not look weird. You know when you see a kid in a suit and everyone’s like “aww, they’re so cute”. I didn’t want to be seen as cute, but it’s quite difficult for a kid to dress nicely and not be deemed as either weird or cute. But then I had overconfidence academically and in hobbies. I wouldn’t be able to live up to the expectations I set myself.
Is that to do with confidence?
I’d say so. I’ve been told that I’m very hubristic, which isn’t something I liked about myself, but I’ve come to terms with it. It’s never nice when you realise you have that mentality. There’s been lots of times where I’ve been far too confident and fell flat on my face.
So with overconfidence specifically there’s two things going on: there’s your own expectations not being fulfilled, and also other people being… is offended the right word?
I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone cut me out of their life, but I know there definitely would be people that have looked at me in a certain way because of things I’ve said in that context.
Did you have that overconfidence all through your childhood?
Yes, for as long as I’ve known. I think there's maturity in realising that you have so much more to learn. It’s very humbling when you’re doing something you love that you think you’re good at, and then you delve deeper and realise there’s so much more to learn.
Have you ever stopped a hobby?
When I was very little I did acting for a bit and decided to give it up because I wasn’t enjoying it. But see, this is where the competitive word is coming from. My brother would drop hobbies like it was nobody’s business. He would start a new hobby every month and get bored, and I always prided myself in not giving up because I wanted to be better than him. I would see him drop hobbies and... it sounds bad but I would think less of him for it. I didn’t want to be like that. There were certainly hobbies that I didn’t enjoy but I kept doing just because I wanted to be ‘better’ than my brother.
And were you verbally compared to him?
Oh no, it was completely personal. I’ve never told him that - he wouldn’t care! If anything, he probably thinks he’s in the better.
How does this relate to academics? Is it the same sort of thing?
We were very equal academically. Both of us were top of our class, but I guess I never really saw him academically. With hobbies I could see it visually if he wasn’t going to a session, but obviously we were never in the same class at school due to age difference so I never saw. In my later teenage years he stopped caring about his academic studies, and I don’t know… it really annoyed me. I don’t like when people don’t try hard at things.
If he wa-
Oh no! I’ve just thought of something that I want to say, but really don’t. You know when you think of something, and you’re not sure if you 100% agree with it because it’s a horrible thing to agree with? But I can see some truth in it... Heck it, it doesn’t have my name attached. I think it’s annoying when I want to be better than someone at something and they don’t seem to care. I almost want them to try so I can get that redemption of me being better than them. Does that make sense?
And that’s even irritating when they are not trying and worse than you? You want them to try and then be worse?
Yeah. If they’re not trying I don’t get that satisfaction. And I don’t get a massive satisfaction from winning, I wouldn’t say that I’m... Huh, I’ve never really thought about this. I don’t get a lot of satisfaction in the long run from winning, but I almost enjoy the competitive element more. I don’t really care that much if I win.
It’s funny that this is all self-led. You said that you were never really compared to your siblings, but it sounds like it starts with rivalry.
Yeah, but it’s always been a one-sided rivalry. I know he didn’t care. It’s complex. I wish I could give you a nice one sentence answer. Because there’s part of me that wishes he’d tried more throughout our childhood for his own sake, but at the same time I’m here saying “I want to be better than him.” It doesn’t make sense.
Would you rather keep things as they were, or have him try more but also be better than you?
If he tried and was better than me I wouldn’t be happy about it, but it would just make me try harder. No... actually I would be happy, I’d have been very happy! It’s difficult thinking about how things were during our childhood rather than having a modern perspective.
The word “importance” is really interesting.
Yeah. I know I like to be in control of things, and yeah, I think I get gratification from feeling importance.
Like being the centre of attention?
Not centre of attention, no. Just knowing that what I’m doing is meaningful.
Did you feel like you had that during your childhood?
I felt like I was constantly in a battle with myself to achieve that. Even the student council in primary school. It didn’t mean anything! The student council wasn't changing anything drastic. But I toiled over that application for weeks. We had to fill out an application for it, and for weeks I was making sure that I got it - I needed to get it.
It sounds like you’re saying it’s nothing about status particularly.
No, it is about status.
How much so?
Umm... I think it’s 50/50 between being able to say “I did this” and the abilities that go along with it.
The power?
The perks, yeah. Not in a “I want to be better than my fellow man” sort of way. I used to be a prefect in school, and I didn’t care about the small perks we got like free hot drinks etc. I wanted the ability to be able to go “I don’t like this, I want this.” I don’t know if that was... I… I think it… hmm. This is making me remember a lot of things.
See now it sounds like you’re saying that it was about having control, which I think is natural. Anyone with self confidence probably has that desire as well.
Yeah, it is about control and status. When I said perks, I meant the perks of being able to control things. I’d say it’s 75% control, 25% status.
It seems like that need is just in your nature.
I remember from a young age I got gratification from doing well. And when I didn’t do well, it then gave me the drive to do well next time.
And that was all self-led?
I think so. My parents were obviously supportive. But I remember there used to be kids who got £50 for every A grade, or an iPad if they passed a big test. I remember complaining to my parents about it being unfair, and them going “well no, if you get good grades that’s… that’s your reward.” So yeah, self-driven is my answer.
Do you remember a time of failure in education, hobbies, any part of life really, which really got to you? Like you really took it personally and it affected you heavily?
I remember - this is gonna make me sound like such a nerd - being put in set 2 for English, and all my friends were in set 1. Oh! Oh, this is good! I’ve never put these two things together; I was put in set 2 for English and I really disliked both the class and the subject. I got bare minimum pass grades for my GCSEs in English, and I think those things are all connected.
So being put in set 2 was the start of your ‘downfall’ in English?
Yeah, I think so. I changed schools after being put in set 2, and in that new school I was in set 1 again, but I wasn’t passionate about it.
Your confidence was already knocked?
I’ve never thought about it from a confidence point of view, but… wow you’re really making me think about this.
Do you feel like you had people around you at school who were equally matched to you in terms of competitiveness and abilities?
Yeah definitely. My closest friend was very similar to me. He was more athletic and I was more creative, but overall we were the same abilities-wise. We wanted to go to the same grammar school, and even though I got a better score on the test than him I didn’t get in because I wasn’t in the catchment area. At the time it was a kick in the teeth when I wasn’t accepted, but I was like “eh, it is what it is”. I’ve always been one of those people - stiff upper lip. If I don’t let something get me upset, I’m not going to be affected by it. I know people will say “yeah, but that boils up and it eventually comes back to haunt you.” (Chuckles) It hasn’t yet. So far I’m going strong.
Finally, what would be the soundtrack to your childhood?
The Planets Suite for Orchestra, op. 32: IV. Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity by Gustav Holst
